The Unappreciated Helper

The “Unappreciated Helper”

Traumatized families facing significant daily stress too often find themselves torn apart and living with such conflict and acrimony that their relationships are forever damaged. It is certainly true that living with stress challenges and tests patience, lowers frustration tolerance, leads to ‘frayed nerves,” and irritability. However, those are not always the most toxic components of stress on relationships.

What I am referring to is one of the most frustrating and perhaps paradoxical issues I see occurring in highly stressed, traumatized families. The interaction usually follows something close to this pattern: One family member vents to another his or her feelings of anger, frustration, fear, or some other seemingly unacceptable emotional state over situation ‘X.’ The second family member, usually with the intention of “helping,” gives advice on how to fix or at least change the situation. The two then find themselves in an argument or fight which can leave them both feeling hurt, and sometimes bewildered at what just took place.

What happens is a complex interaction comprising of miscommunication, differing agendas, and an inability to tolerate distress in a loved one. Caring people normally would like to erase the suffering or distress suffered by the people they care about most. However, the person who is venting often is looking primarily only for someone to vent to, not someone to “fix” the problem.

When needing someone to listen but getting “help” instead, it can lead to frustration or feeling invalidated and belittled, as if they could not be expected come up with those ideas on their own. When listening to a loved one in distress, it can lead to frustration when “helpful” suggestions are met with anger and resentment. I often hear the refrain, “Why did you talk to me about it if you didn’t want my help in the first place?” Thus the “unappreciated helper.” Wanting to help is great and doing what we can for loved ones is natural. But knowing when to help, when to listen, and learning to tolerate distress in your loved one while you figure out the difference is key to your success.

Mark E. Hankla

Vicarious Traumatization Workshop March 19, 2014

Sherry Cox will present a one day workshop

Vicarious Traumatization

Preventing, Recognizing & Treating Disorders of Empathy

Wednesday, March 19, 2014 at Southeast Community College

For a brochure please access  https://www.southeast.edu/assets/0/74/87/324/340/672/a315966e-668b-498f-a239-93fbdfe7492a.pdf

Continuing Education for Trauma Therapists

Sherry Cox will present Ethical Guidelines For Trauma Therapists: Helping Without Hurting at Southeast Community College on July 26, 2013.


For further information please visit the Psychotherapy Associates website at: Psychotherapyassoc.com 

To register, contact Nancy Holman, Southeast Community College, 402-437-2712 or 1-800-828-0072, ext. 2712, www. southeast.edu.

Services for Juveniles in Nebraska Changes?

An article in the Lincoln Journal Star on January 24, 2013 caught my eye. The title of the article was “Juvenile justice system overhaul is proposed”. Senators Brad Ashford and Bob Krist of Omaha and Kathy Campbell and Amanda McGill of Lincoln co-sponsored a bill (LB561) which would reorganize the juvenile justice system to focus on mental health treatment instead of punishment. They propose closing the centers at Kearney and Geneva and move to a treatment based system. Senator Ashford reported that 70% of the children in the juvenile justice system have a history of physical abuse and 40% of the girls have a history of sexual abuse. He also states that 70% of the juveniles in the juvenile justice system have a major mental illness which is undiagnosed, untreated or inappropriately treated. Senator Ashford is quoted as saying “Trauma in these children is not systematically screened or treated. We reap what we sow.” He also stated “Children who end up in the juvenile justice system were victims long before they became offenders.”  I think that it is great that the senators have realized that there are youth in Kearney and Geneva who are in need of mental health services. Perhaps if they had received the services they needed, they may not have ended up in the juvenile justice system. Many times children who have been traumatized demonstrate acting out behaviors (defiant to authority figures, anger outbursts and may have an excessive need for control). If they do not receive treatment, their behaviors may escalate to the point that they end up in the juvenile justice system. It will be interesting to follow this bill and see what, if anything, changes.

Laurie Patton

More About Validation

 

One of the factors contributing to the development of borderline personality is living in an invalidating environment during childhood.   Growing up in a home where you are told what you think and feel rather than being allowed to think and feel for yourself.  An all too common example is “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” You can probably think of other parental statements that communicate that what the child experiences is unacceptable.  These have the effect of undermining a child’s ability identify what they do think, feel, want, fear.   This can create big problems that last into adulthood. 

The alternative is a validating parenting approach in which the child is told “I know that you want that”, I understand that you don’t want to go to bed”, “I can see that you feel sad”, “that makes you angry”.  This does not mean that you agree with the child or allow the child to do harmful things.  It does not impair your ability to discipline or direct.  It does communicate to the child that she is heard and that she is a person who has feelings, wants and preferences.  This is essential learning for children.

Bill

Mindfulness and Marines

 

On Sunday I read an article in the local newspaper that described mindfullness experiments that are being conducted by the Marine Corps.  A goal is understanding the differences in stress responses between groups of Marines trained in mindfulness techniques and those of a control group not trained in the techniques.  The article also addressed the misunderstanding that mindfulness training includes a religious element.  This mistaken belief has kept some people from learning this valuable information.

I have been very impressed with the usefulness of mindfulness in psychotherapy since learning about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) many years ago.  The work of Jon Kabat-Zinn in researching mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has also been important.    I recommend his books, especially Coming To Our Senses.    

Bill

Recovery Bill of Rights Part 4

A Recovery Bill of Rights for Trauma Survivors Part 4

For safety in your personal dependency in therapy you have the right to…

Hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery.

Receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist.

Know that your therapist will never have any other relationship with you – business, social, or sexual.

Be secure against any disclosure by your therapist, except with your consent or under court order.

Hold your therapist’s undivided loyalty in relation to all abusers.

Obtain informative answers to questions about your condition, your therapist’s qualifications, and any proposed treatment.

Have your safety given priority by your therapist, to the point of readiness to use all lawful means to neutralize an imminent threat to your life or that of someone else.

Receive a commitment from your therapist that is not conditional on your “good behavior” (habitual crime and endangerment excepted).

Make clear and reliable agreements about the times of sessions and of you therapist’s availability.

Telephone your therapist between scheduled sessions, in urgent need, and receive a return call within a reasonable time.

Be taught skills that lessen the risk of re-traumatization:

                Containment (boundaries for recovery work);

                Control of attention and mental imagery;

                Systematic relaxation.

Enjoy reasonable physical comfort during sessions.

 

This concludes the Bill of Rights for Trauma Survivors series.  I welcome any responses or reactions that you would like to share.

 

Bill